SUPER D DOOPER CHRISTMAS SPECAIL!
by SuperGirl-kc
Summary: This makes fun of cliché Christmas stories with Sirius Black as Serious,combinding over done ideas into one! R&R...


SUPER-D-DOOPER CHRISTMAS SPECAIL!  
SuperGirl

A/N: this is a cliché Christmas special just so everyone sees how Christmas fan-fics have been ruined so I combined them all together. I how ever take the credit for Dumbledore as Santa in this plot so if it is seen again, they stole my plot, other then that its making fun of all the other fan-fics over-done scenarios. It's sad, however I want to explain that Serious is Sirius Black, just misspelled on purpose. Cliché by definition is: a trite, stereotyped expression; a sentence or phrase, usually expressing a popular or common thought or idea, which has lost originality, ingenuity, and impact by long overuse. BLAH BLAH, hopefully some knuckle-heads out there get the idea to be original. Like I don't know something new? I do have fan fiction out there if you have not notice it's funny and meant to be stupid. The most popular one I have is the secret marriage of the potters, where I complete make fun of a theme going on and entered a challenged fan fiction style. Here it is the Christmas from well you know- If there is something original GASP my original idea here. –SG I don't own anything but a stupid smelly dog named Stewie… I was going to post this last month, however I'm dating a pilot and he's been grounded for a while. So here it is and thanks for reading, remember it's suppose to be silly. Oh and a review would be appreciated if you have time. Also I don't own Lord of the Rings, The Matrix just a DOG! Xoxo SuperGirl

Christmas at Hogwarts…

It was snowing and wintertime mostly because it was Christmas time at Hogwarts and there was always snow at Hogwarts, they never had a non-snowing Christmas ever. What is Hogwarts, well if you ended up here and don't know what Harry Potter is, your retarded or live in a cave. Hogwarts is a magical school where there are four houses involved…blah-blah-blah! If you still are foggy and don't know go out and beat your head with a shovel. The author refuses to enter in a huge description of what Hogwarts is for the laymen. (Pretend description is here. You know the kind that is added in to take up space insert here)

So it was the holidays at Hogwarts Witch-craft and Wizardry and there was a broken hearted seventh-year girl stuck there for the holidays. Her name was Lily Evans. She decided to stay there away from her family because her evil sister Petunia. She was rather mean and spiteful and apparently Petunia was possessed by the devil, threw up pea-soup and pissed her pants just like the girl from The Exorcists.

Lily however was seen as the out cast by Petunia, even when she was screaming at Lily, most-likely from the walls hanging upside down spitting at Lily calling her a freak. So Lily decided to spend the holidays at Hogwarts, that and Petunia was PMS-ing more then normal. Apparently she found a creature called Vernon just as retarded as Petunia and wanted to propose to her, since the poor bastard couldn't find anyone better. Sadly Lily felt bad for the man. She also hated it because her clothes smelled like piss for days after even after washing them. Serious even would smell Lily for days after her return.

So there was Lily all sad sitting there in the common room, that's where Wizards hang out by the fire-chillin. However she was depressed since her friends had left her alone as well and they had families that loved them. However she was not alone, for she was never alone when James Potter was around. He was often stalking her breathing heavily around her and wore huge glasses which were so out of style even in the 1970s. Apparently he read her letter she received from her sister covered in pea-soup **(we hope)** not to come home. He decided this was the year he'd get Lily to fall in love with him and had Serious and Remus help him.

They decided not to ask Peter because he was retarded and smelled like cheese. You know that kind of cheese that smells like ass that kind. However Peter was there for the holiday, but his friends decided not to buy him any gift or talk to him since he's a traitor and no-one likes him. Just then James Potter came down the steps with his camera around his neck and seen Lily. Pushing his glasses back he stared at her as she read her Wizard-magazine which featured David Copperfield on the cover.

James watched as Lily drooled at David's face on the cover rubbing the magazine oddly which left him in question about Lily's reading fetish. James watched as Lily raised the magazine to her nose and inhaled the copy with a dreamy look on her face. Just then Serious came down and met with James on the stairs, because that's where he was stalking Lily that day/afternoon/morning whatever the hell time it was. "James I got it!" said Serious being Sirius. He turned and seen a 'golden mistletoe' in his hands.

"What's that?" asked James eyeing the object.  
"Duh it's magical mistletoe." said Serious.  
"Oh." Said James eyeing it, "What does it do?"   
"It's magical so it makes you kiss the person stuck under it with you gees." He rolled his eyes, just then Peter walked down the stairs to meet his friends, the pretended he wasn't there.  
"Hey, what's' up?" he asked without responds.  
"So how will I get it above her head?" asked James ignoring Peter, because he is a loser.  
"With magic, duh." said Serious being Sirius.  
"Cool, I forgot I was a wizard for a moment there." James pretended Peter wasn't there as he looked over his head to continue to talk to Serious. Just then Remus came down the stairs all pale and diseased looking because werewolves aren't allowed to sun-tan being creatures of the night.  
"Hey Peter." said Remus being the only one who noticed him. Serious turned and looked at Remus oddly. "Who's Peter?" he asked.  
"Our dorm mate." He said reading a book because he's a werewolf and that's all they do is read like Lily.  
Serious looked down and screamed seeing Peter. "Oh my god what is it? Help!" Serious screamed jumping into Remus' arms scared. "That's Peter." said Remus. James looked over as equally scared.  
"What the hell?" said Peter confused.   
"Who are you?"  
"Peter?" he replied the two boys, James and Serious looked over astonished. "Who?"  
"I don't remember seeing him before." said James whispering to Serious who nodded in agreement.  
Peter glared at them. "I turn into a rat when you guys spend the full-moons with Moony. I helped make the Maunders map."  
"A bit foggy." said James rubbing his head.   
"I don't remember a Peter." said Serious blanking out. With a huff and flipping them off Peter descended down the stairs and left the common room.  
"That was odd." James replied watching Peter leave the common room.  
"He reminds me of cheese." Remarked Serious.  
"Like the kind that smells like ass." James added in.  
"So umm why do you have mistletoe." Said Remus getting them back to the story.  
"Well I did magic to it that Lily has to sleep-with James before it wears off." Said Serious who was remarkably closer to Remus as he talked.  
"Don't you think a kiss be enough?" asked Remus.  
However anciently Serious let got of it above Remus' head who spa-zed out and James jumped away with his quidditch moves all matrix like when he seen the mistletoe moving. It was really fast and he moved away in the nick of time!   
"Well this is odd." said Serious.  
"You did it on purpose."  
"Maybe." He replied suggestively.  
James however after throwing up, noticed Lily had left them common room. "Where did Lily go?" asked James.  
"Check the Map." said Remus who started to read again while being stuck next to Serious.   
"So Remus…"  
"I'm not gay Serious."  
"Well there is only one way to find out."  
"Or not so much." Said Remus scared now.  
"Have I told you, you look like a girl." said Serious.  
"…"  
"I love you Remus."  
"…"   
"Okay I'm leaving." Said James running away a bit scared. 

So James got the map and looked for Lily. The school was all deserted but from them and the Slytherins because there unloved and don't get to go home for Christmas and their families don't love them. However Voldemort loves them. James stopped when he seen McGonagall and Dumbledore standing at the front door with a sled and a big red bag next to it. "James." Called Dumbledore walking over. "Would you guide my sled tonight?"  
"Professor, I'm not that way." said James looking at him oddly.  
Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged looks of confusion. James paused taking in the scene.  
"Wait, are you like Santa?" he asked.  
"Maybe." He said with a twinkle in his eye that makes James feel scared and reminded of uncle-no-touch then shivering from fear. "So what are you doing out of your dorm?" asked McGonagall.  
"I'm stalking Lily." He replied holding up his camera around his next. "I was going to take pictures of her in the restroom then post them online."  
"That's cool." said Dumbledore smiling. "Get me a copy." He said winking at James.  
"So umm, I can't help you out, I'm a stag not a reindeer." He said.  
"Yeah, sure you're a stag, deer." said McGonagall.  
"I am, a reindeer is gay and I'm not gay there forth a stag." clarified James. "This is weird, so I'm going to go an pretend we didn't have this conversation…" said James leaving the two. "He's seen too much." said McGonagall. "We'll get him latter; go get the first years to sit on my lap." Just as he walked by he noticed the house-elves in a line with toys and presents waiting.  
So looking back at his Map he saw Lily in the Astronomy tower. Why, that where you go when your all sad at Hogwarts gees.  
"Lily!" James yelled when he seen her. She turned from the railing and looked at him.  
"What now?" she asked glaring at him. "You four-eyed dork." She said glaring.  
"I love you!" he said. "And since in this one I am the nerd, I want to say I have loved you forever!" Lily rolled her eyes some and turned back to looking out.   
"What are you looking at?" asked James. Lily pointed at a window where James squinted some to look.  
"It's Serious and Remus having gay-sex on the stairs in the Gryffindor tower." She said with a grin on her face.  
"That's wrong." said James.   
"I know, but it gets me going." said Lily looking at James who stood back oddly. "So why are you here?" she asked looking at him.  
"Well, I don't know I originally planed on to get stuck under mistletoe with you and have my way, but Serious is using it to er—on Remus."  
"It's hot isn't?" she asked turning looking at James.  
"No." he squeaked out.  
"Makes me want to live in sin." she said in a dreamy state. "You know if you take off your glasses you look like David Copperfield." She said titling her head to the side. James rose and eyebrow. "I could pretend to be him." He said.  
"Would you touch me?"  
"err."   
"Would you beat me hard?"  
"Lily."  
"Yes?" she asked him titling her head to the side. James nodded. "I'll even tie you up in a closet and up skirt you and pour wax all over you and pull your hair then call you names." Lily hearing this had tears in her eyes. "I'll make you call me daddy as I paddle your ass." Hearing this last part she jumped up and kissed James.  
"I love you Lily." He said with tears in his eyes. "I have stalked you for so long."  
"I know I was hoping you'd try to grab me and have your way with me for so long!" she then hugged him and kissed him.  
So the two skipped hand and hand to a broom closet to spread there holiday cheer.

Along the way they passed by Snape who was talking to Peter by the Slytherin hall way where he hangs out… 

"Hey Snape." Lily and James said ignoring Peter was there.  
"What do you want Potter?" he asked evil like. And looked at Lily licking his lips because he's in-love with her even though it's never been verified, but were going to assume he stalks her as well as James, but not as obvious as him.  
"Well, I wanted to tell you I was about to go give Lily a good spanking in a closet, take pictures and send them to you to make you hate me more, however I don't have your email." Grumbling some Snape turned to Peter.  
"Do you have a Pen?" he asked Peter, he nodded and reached and took out his BIC pen and Snape grabbed a piece of paper and wrote his email.  
"Oh who are you?" Lily asked Peter.   
"I'm Peter; I'm in your house and in your grade for the last seven years." He said James looked at him oddly.  
"Here." said Snape hading James his email who pocket it.  
"Are you sure you go to school here?" Lily asked Peter nodded.  
"Yeah, listen I'm about to meet Lucius and Snape in the forbidden forest to go kill baby seals." Said Peter slipping on his skull mask as did Snape.  
"Then were going to stop Santa Clause from delivering gifts." said Snape who laughed evilly.  
"Ohh let's play naughty-Santa." said Lily to James who nodded.

So Snape and Peter left to go meet Lucius in the forbidden forest…Unnoticed

"Don't you think its weird no-one noticing us disappearing?" asked Peter. Snape shrugged and then stopped when he seen Lucius standing there in his death-eater clothes with a Santa hat on.  
"Hey." said Lucius.  
"Cool hat!" said Peter.  
"I stole it from Dumbledore." said Lucius.  
"Why did you steal it from him?" asked Snape. "Stealing is wrong."   
"Apparently I have nothing better to do then steal from him and on Christmas Eve. Which is today in case no one guessed from the reindeer in Hogwarts."  
"Aren't you older then us?" asked Peter.  
"Yeah and I graduated seven years ago, but obviously working for the ministry and being a death-eater I still have spare time on my hands."  
"So who are you?" he asked Peter.   
"Peter." He replied.  
"Cool! Were going to go sing Muggle Christmas song and pass out gifts want to come?" he asked "I see you even wore your costume! Cool beans!" said Lucius excited. 

Back with Lily and James…  
"Wow."  
"Yup."   
"It's dark in here." said James. In the closet with Lily…   
"There's a ghost in my panties." said Lily suggestive.   
"That's weird." said James looking down. "I can't see it."  
"Here, let me show you where it is?" she suggested.   
"Is it going to bit me?" he asked scared.  
"Maybe." She replied biting his earlobe. "Let me show you where the ghost is."  
"That's okay." said James scared of Ghost.  
"I was going to put your hands in my panties." She said.  
"Oh cool!" he said while Lily tried to find his hands.  
"What are you doing?" he asked noticing movement.  
"Looking for your hands."  
"There in my pockets."  
"James, why are they in your pockets?"  
"So the ghost doesn't bite them." 

Meanwhile in the common room…  
"Help!" cried the terrified Remus as Serious kissed his neck he peed his pants and foamed at the mouth.

Back with Peter…  
The Slytherins who were all death-eaters were in the death-eater hide out in the forbidden forest.  
"Here comes SANTA CLAUSE!" they sang together since Slytherins secretly know the lyrics to Muggle Christmas songs they sang as Voldemort played the piano.  
"Oh Christmas tree!" sang Peter who was smacked for being stupid because they were singing the Santa song.  
"Down Santa clause lane! All the Slytherin boys and girls are"… They all practiced on weekends together.

After several minuets of singing Voldemort was done playing the piano. "It's time for secret Santa!" he said as the death-eaters (Slytherins) ran to the tree which was light up and had a **_Muggle tied to the top for a star.   
_**Voldemort got a teddy bear from Lucius.  
Lucius got a Pretty-Princes game board from Snape who was secretly in-love with him.

Snape got a rock from Bellatrix.

Bellatrick got a coupon for a back rub from Lord Voldemort, she blushed when she opened that up.

Sadam Husain was there as well and he gave Lucius a caboodle full of pong tail holders in bright colors, there was over 50 inside of it.  
Un-named death-eater #1 got a Beatles record from #5.  
#6 got something from #1  
Peter got nothing because no-one likes him and he cried and Voldemort laughed at him. 

Back with Lily and James…  
They walked back to the common room where Remus was crying as Serious kissed him and no-one else was there over Christmas holiday not even Lily's friends with Flower-ie names. They were also singers in a band, 'Flowers', however there families loved them so they weren't there or ever around Lily. They were just friends with her to get to the Maunders who each liked one of them, but Peter. They didn't know who Peter was. Things would change when they come back to find out Serious was gay.

"Help me James." Cried Remus being mauled by Serious, ignoring him Lily and James sat at the fire. James fiddled with a box in his pocket.  
"Lily."  
"What."  
"…"   
"What?"  
"Willyoumarryme?" he asked without spacing his words to show he was talking fast.  
"You sound like a dog with peanut butter in the roof of its mouth."  
"Sorry."   
"What did you say?  
"Will you marry me?"  
"Do you have money?"  
"Yup."  
"A lot?"  
"Yup."  
"Okay, show me the ring first."  
"Here."  
"…"  
"So will you?"  
"…"  
"Lily?"  
"I love you James! Wait is this two carrots or one?"  
"It's three…"  
"Oh my GOD! James! Beat me!" she cried jumping on him. "Can I put my candy-cane up your-"

Just then with a puff of smoke, Ron, Hermione and Harry came to the future, but not Ginny because she is a whore. Even though it hasn't been verified I am going to assume she is since no-one likes her like Peter.

James and lily looked up from there passionate romance on the couch in front of the fire. Serious looked down from where he and Remus where fighting while he kissed him frozen in that spot on the stairs.

"Who are you?" everyone asked at the same time.  
"I'm Harry Potter, this is Ron and Hermione. Were here to save Christmas! And something else." He said pausing.  
"I told you not to smoke on me bong!" cried Hermione hitting Harry, Ron laughed.  
"Oh my god it's a red-haired freckle faced step child, let's beat him!" said Serious to Remus who was crying in his embrace.  
"Harry Potter?" asked James.  
"Yup." He replied taking out Hermione's bong for a hit. "Give me, me bong!" she cried.  
"Are we related?" asked James.  
"Yup, I think so." said Harry.  
"He's your dad." said Ron.  
"Right." said Harry blowing smoke in Hermione face.  
"You have a son? I knew trying drugs was bad" James shrugged. "He looks my age though. Kinda creepy-"  
"Were from the future and Lily is his mom." explained Ron the only-un-drugged of the gold three.  
"Fuck you Potter!" cried Hermione.  
"Right now?" Harry asked.  
"Oh my god he is your son!" cried James looking at Lily who gasped. "Oh my god he is." She said.  
So then Harry and Hermione forgetting why they were there ran up to one of the dorms, Hermione happened to take her portable CD player with her from the future while they had sweet-sweet baby making time listening to Kenny-G.

"Wow, he's just like you Lily." Said James she nodded. "Strangely this makes me as horney, Fuck the future- lets go to your dorm and not save Remus from being molested by Serious Black on the stairwell."  
"Sirius?"  
"Sirius!"  
"NO I am Sirius!" yelled Serious from the stairs as he molested Remus.  
So James and Lily went to the boy's dorm leaving Ron alone confused with Serious and Remus stuck on the stairs. "Help!" screamed Remus. However Ron ignored his plea to be saved and went to find Dumbledore to go home.

However as Ron walked around he was stopped by Snape. "Do you want to know the truth?" Ron froze and turned to see Snape. "Come with me and I will show you the truth?" Ron turned his head and squinted his eyes. "Are you Snape?" he asked.  
"NO, I am Morpheus!"  
"But he's like cowboy Curtis from pee-wee's playhouse. And your white." Snape took out a night-quill and a day-quill gel-capsule.  
"I have someone for you to meet. If you take the Green pill you fall asleep and this was all a dream…"  
"Err.."  
"If you take the red one I will take you to meet someone."  
"Cool!" said Ron fallowing him after taking the day-quill and learn the truth it was all a dream…or was it.

So everyone lived happily ever after, but the children who didn't get there gifts that Christmas and gave up on believing in Santa and became the officials at the FCC who don't allow cursing on TV or RADIO. They also are those whackos who thought the lunar landing was faked.

Dumbledore was replaced by his twin brother, not his brother not

Aberforth, but Gandolf, he hung out a lot with dwarfs and elves, he was cool and no-one noticed not even McGonagall who was sleeping with him. He was a grey wizard, it was cool though…

Harry and Hermione got stuck in the past since she anciently pawned her time-traveling locket thing for drug money. She felt bad latter since it wasn't even her time-locket.

Remus however got out of the mistletoe when he turned into a werewolf a few days latter, no one noticed though, but Serious who cried as he was mauled from the werewolf.

Lily married James and was happy.   
No one noticed that Peter came up missing ever, or found it strange since no-one liked him or trusted him since he's a Slytherin just miss-sorted. Then two years latter Lily got pregnant with Harry and Serious became the god-father. Remus however had a restraining order put out on Serious at this time so he wasn't there during the baptismal. Everyone was happy but Lupin who was scared for life from Serious and hated Christmas, but didn't join the dark side, but lived with his mother in the basement with fifteen cats. That is really where he received all of his scares from.

THE END.

This was a cliché Christmas story; let me know if I am missing any clichés here. Sorry that Lily and James didn't go to the Evans for Christmas I thought Petunia peeing everywhere was enough to explain why they stayed at school. Also why Harry hates going home… Dogs even stay away from Petunia's house.

Have I missed any cliché? Hmm hmm hmm, well this was for entertainment. Please review. SG. Mistletoe, Santa, Slytherins… hmm That's about it I hope you guys like it.


End file.
